The worldly context
I am currently writing this at 4.20am on the 19/3/20. Nick and I are on ‘lock down’ and tucked away from what I can only describe as the most bizarre situation civilisation has encountered in our short lifetimes.
Beyond our safe little black gate and ivy huddled half wall, a complete dystopian nightmare is consuming the external world... perhaps contentiously triggered by the haunting chime of the midnight bells receiving the potential gruesome energy of 2020. Luckily, I... like many others, got to spend this evening with friends who matter very dearly to me. True to form, our new year was about 20 seconds behind the rest of the world, and as we stumbled out onto the front garden in an excitable frenzy; fuelled up from delicious drinks, brimming from an obscenely gluttonous cheeseboard and Florence’s ‘You’ve got the love’ injecting the air with hopeful vibes... Which nowadays... I eerily recollect as a foreboding omen for my impending state - where my meaningful relationships are what keep me forcefully resilient after each incessant, ruthless blow to my spirit. Anyway... back to ‘reality’ if you can justify calling it that. Less than an hour later, extraordinarily, I left my own party early (due to the pain :/). For ANYONE who knows me... surely would know this must have been the start of ‘end times.’ For there is more surety of the sun rising tomorrow, than me leaving a party first, much less my own! 2020 proceeded with a drab filter which can only be described as deepening to menacing as time persistently progressed: A few days later, there was news of heightened tensions in the middle east as Iran pulled back from a global nuclear treaty. The US began to test new medium range missiles after accusing Russia of cheating on the lapsed INF treaty from last August. Climate inaction was on the forefront of everyone's consciousness, as tensions rose between differing opinions in our society. The Doomsday clock moved the closest it has ever been to midnight, since its creation in 1947 at 100 seconds. AI has always been a human anxiety so let's chuck that in for good measure, seeing as Amazon declared over 1 million sales and “cleaned up” on Christmas (Is she always listening?)... There was the whole ‘Megxit’ thing where Harry and Megan left the Royal family... Oh... and Brexit ACTUALLY happened. There were the worst Australian bush fires and the world watched as the colour of the skies regurgitated the blood of its innocent victims. Meanwhile, back in the UK... Brendan, Ciara, Dennis and Ellen have been hellbent on meticulously merging water with elements it has no business being with, to the point it has become increasingly ubiquitous on land and air and people are downright fed up. CURRENTLY, there is a swarm of Locus moving around Africa which is as big as a ‘major city’ and is predicted to grow over 400 times its size by June... And finally... FINALLY... the country is currently moving towards lock down in an attempt to curb the biggest virus to claim lives since Spanish flu (Did I mention a side effect of taking Dexamethasone causes anxiety...). Education, healthcare and the economy have reduced to a halt. People are losing jobs, they can't pay rent, they are forced to change the lives they have built, ...while others can't get the lifesaving treatment they need. NHS staff are forced into the jaws of uncertainty, gambling their greatest asset with inadequate training, resulting in anxious mannerisms and contradicting statements. There is an army tank on Neath high street... A truly fucked up situation all around. Meanwhile... those who 'CAN' in society are predictably and shamelessly reflecting the worst of humanity, selfishly hoarding, continuing to travel, occupy and spread. Taking their liberties, with immune systems that can simply swat this virus with as much attention you would pay a pertinent tick. The rest of us, the ‘others’, are on the fringes, lives reduced to a statistic and referred to as ‘those with underlying health conditions’ or ‘the elderly’ as we watch helplessly, with no choice but to keep ‘accepting’ as the structures that be, continue to rob us of our quality of life, our voices and our precious time. Us ‘vulnerable’ are on quarantine for at least 84 days. Mine and Nick’s personal hell coincides with 6 cycles of chemo starting next week. We should have been travelling back from a fun few days in London right now, with at least 2 things ticked off my bucket list and feeling content in social exhaustion. Instead, our lockdown proceeded 6 days ago, over fears of my weak chest, due to the over-prescribing of steroids (another story), and preparation for the familiar onslaught of good ol’ blood count murdering Taxotere. We have 132 days until I am due to recover from my last Tax... we are currently on 6... this will be interesting (Again... did I mention a side effect of Dexamethasone is increased anxiety, I think I am hiding it well... no?). Sadly, like many other of my secondary sisters, we wait, wonder and hope we will all pull through. Tenaciously checking our Whatsapp groups, forums and Facebook groups, trying to notice if one of us goes quiet. Personal inboxes beeping anxiously as we compare treatment notes and hopeful findings as we quietly wonder if going for bloods will mean meeting our maker prematurely (By this point, is anyone else feeling like death is beginning to act like an obsessed but evasive blind date you are expecting at a bar, and you don’t know whether to relax, play it cool, or get messed up. You do know that regardless of whatever you choose he will turn up eventually and you will be angry at yourself for making this arrangement...then... annoyingly... when you try to catch the eye of someone else, or the DJ is juuuuuuussst about to play THAT song, or when you are one tequila away from throwing up on the bar top, your evasive blind date appears and proceeds to whisk you away prematurely from the party... no...? Just me?). I cannot speak for other people, but I can tell you the complete fucked up paradoxal situation of wanting your cancer treatment delayed so you can ‘get stronger’ to fight these external threats vs being so fearful of having your treatment delayed, because with every day you suspend, the cancer eats away that little bit more of your bones... making you take those extra painkillers, knocking you out, and foregoing the only beneficial things to you, which is exercise, maintaining your relationships and a sharp mind.
Whew, this turned out quite dark. Ironically, it would be the post illustrating how the external world affects us and not the poisonous wars we forge with our own minds. Ok... so the worlds going to shit... but you know what... we still have each other. It’s easy to rant (GUILTY) and blame the faceless majority for not living up to your ideals or expectations as a person, when the blunt reality is, everyone is just trying to do the best they can within their own emotional intelligence and limitations. Who are we to judge? I mean really... The real harm in this world is caused by the systems that be and the relentless bureaucracy entwined with the red tape, which prevents us from being able to breathe slowly, feel the moment, the warmth and support from each other. It doesn’t make it right, but it is easier to blame the family down the road for lying about their work situation than it is to get angry at the horrendous Universal Credit system (actually blocking a way of living from terminal people) or the fact you're paying a monthly subscription to Amazon who pay absolutely fuck all in Taxes. Divide and conquer and all that...
People really do surprise you though. I am hoping this situation will encourage the good side of humanity in the long run... and what is hoarding and selfishly carrying/spreading now, will turn into sharing and consideration on the individual level. Personally, we have received insanely generous offers of people willing to drop off essentials like milk and handwash to our door. Also, friends and family continue to rally around us, albeit over facetime so we don’t feel so lonely... even my mother has learnt (end times indeed!) I hear the bad weather is dissipating, the sun is coming, pollution is down, nature is recovering. However, these strange times are hitting you guys ... WE... WILL... GET THERE... As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I just hope we are ALL lucky enough to witness the dawning glimmer. Much love from the one with a 'underlying health condition'. |
A ' no holds' page about my life with incurable advanced Breast Cancer, in the hope it will give a realistic, detailed account to other young women going through the unfortunate illness.
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