Being 'normal' on chemo (Fec)1. Make up routine I am gearing up to my fourth chemo now and its my first Taxotere, so I have a feeling a lot of what I have gotten used to may be shaken up. However, so far I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes and I couldn't be happier with this little fact. And yet, every day that I decide to wear makeup I find myself carefully manoeuvring around my eyes with a mascara brush, trying to fight the inevitable gentle falling out of my eyelashes. It is more annoying than anything. You get your eyes on point, and then an eyelash decides to drop right into the middle of your pupil, thus making your eyes stream uncontrollably, resulting in you looking like an upset panda. So, the time I have gained from not having to do my hair in the mornings has been swallowed up by the make up routine... 2. Flushes in public My mother has no sympathy for me here, she just exclaims "Welcome to the menopause!", we have a dark sense of humour in my family. On FEC, at the most random times my body decides to burn up to almost near suffocating levels. Now, I can just about cope with this when it happens at night, as I can strip off starkers, in all my bald glory, with all the windows open and the bed to myself with a cold cloth draped pathetically over my face. For anyone out there who has tried a wig on... Imagine trying to carry a sense of decorum in public, whilst out for a meal etc, when an onset, relentless flush becomes determined to sabotage any chance of dignity you have left. Every cell in your body feels like it has hit 100 degrees, and is screaming at you to peel that hot, itchy wig off, along with all your clothes. This happens far too often for my liking, I have to politely excuse myself and go into the cubicle, peel my wig and top half of clothes off and thoroughly wet wipe myself down. Then I always get funny looks for being in there for so long, so then I usually think to myself "What the hell are you looking at? I am going bald in the cubical just to save you from feeling awkward" If it was up to me, I would definitely have my head in the sink. 3. Will eating/drinking this kill me? From the odd health posts we get on Facebook, we are constantly being told, THIS causes cancer or THIS kills cancer, now I am no doctor but I would bet it is not that simple. But you see enough of these posts everyday and it does begin to make you weary of the risk factor. I don't stop myself from eating anything, but it doesn't mean it isn't playing hugely on my mind when doing so. Take full fat milk for instance, I read once that because the cows are pregnant when producing the milk, in short, if you have oestrogen fuelled cancer like 'mwah', then your pouring a death trap over your Cherrios in the morning. Same for refined sugar. I can not go to the cinema and watch X-MEN in peace because i'm eating fizzy laces, Coke and chocolate, and with each mouthful i'm thinking I am probably shaving hours off my life here. DO NOT get me started on the self argument involved, in having a glass of wine. 4. Awkward germ freak I have become the very type of person I loathe in fear of my life. For those who don't know, on chemo you can pick up an infection so ridiculously easy, the smallest intrusion can land you in hospital, hooked up to another machine for days, fighting for your life and I am not being dramatic for once! (maybe a little). I have become the person that asks you to take your shoes off and sanitise yourself when you enter the house. I have become the person who excludes you if you have a runny nose. I am THAT person who returns cutlery in a restaurant if it has a spot on it, that you can't tell if its a watermark or not.. You get the jist, I can't cope. 5. Sore fingers This one is so annoying, everything I pick up or touch has the potential to rip my fingernails off. My right hand seems to be particularly bad, as some fingernails there are beginning to lift off at the corners. This results on a level of dependance you would not believe, for example, I have to ask Nick to untie my shoelaces! even pressing the touch screen on your phone can hurt. I just hope all this effort is worth it. I mean, I don't want to actually break a nail after all this, that would be the worst. 6. Frightened to get a bump Before this cancer malarkey, I absolutely loved meeting up with Tom (he's a horse) and disappearing off into the mountains for a few hours. I was also such a cocky little cyclist at times. After diagnosis, my confidence on the bike has diminished ridiculously and I haven't even so much as sat on a horse, and to be completely honest with you, this kills me inside a fair bit. You see, life with cancer takes away massive chunks of your identity, especially your confidence, on all levels. The very thought of being clipped on the bike by a careless driver, makes me so nervous, I will avoid roads when I can, in fear of my life (theres that dramatic side). A bruise from a horse fall leading to amputation? no thanks chick. 7. Reluctant to exercise Despite the anxiety, I still love going out on the bike, but now I have more things to consider and sometimes these factors put me off completely. I don't like getting my wig sweaty and messed up in the wind, but going out with a headscarf on means people stare at you for a bit, and that really pisses me off. Also, feeling the cold becomes much more of an issue, especially after exercise or when you stop (where are those flushes when you need 'em). However, by far the worst culprit is when you hit 'the wall'. Before Breast Cancer I had developed an impressive 60-90 mile limit on the bike before having to go through the physical hell. But now, after learning the hard way, that limit has diminished to about only 25 miles and let me tell you, hitting the wall on chemo is the most brutal and immediate physical experience I have ever endured. I was so weak I could not hold my own body weight on the bike for much longer, how mental is that? what's interesting is you walk up hills, cycle, etc to keep yourself ticking over but you don't seem to get any stronger, if anything you get weaker and its a pain in the arse (literally). 8. Feeling unfeminine This one shocked me. Whilst living in Bristol I was mistaken for being gay a few times due to my style choices (DM boots, occasional jumpers, etc, but in art school that is acceptable), and when I had long thick hair, I used to tie it back regularly due to the inconvenience. I still wear DM's and the latter, however, I can't seem to pull it off like I used to and I fully acknowledge this is a confidence issue. I would love to wear DM's without a wig but given the context (living in a small town rather than Bristol centre) I would end up looking like an intentional skinhead. Again, no thanks chick. I have come to terms with the knowledge I may never be able to have children and the likelihood of losing my breast at the moment is quite high. I have as much hair as a naked mole rat, I can not paint my nails, where heels (muscle ache), My body is so pale its blue in places, chemo makes you lose all dignity in terms of bodily functions and I can't put a bit of bloody makeup on without loosing half my eyelashes! so needless to say when you attempt femininity, you end up feeling like a man in a dress (and not the in the fabulous drag queen way) How I feel trying to be feminie 9. Bullshit tolerance is severely shortened Ahh yes, before all this I like to think I was a much more compassionate human being, I could even muster empathy for anyone complaining about their damn eyebrows. The way I saw it, If its that distressing to them, then it is worth my time to listen and try to help. Now, if someone stops me in the street to give money to a cancer charity I have to fight my cynical urge to wip off my wig and scream at them about how it is all bullshit anyway and stop wasting my precious time. A bit harsh I know. I have to stop my face from twitching when someone is complaining about how crap their hair is, or complaining about having the 'worst' day. It is almost like I have lost 80% of my empathy. But what it makes you realise, is just how wrapped up in themselves people can be, myself included. 10. Confidence in general Is my wig straight? do you think it will blow off down the beach? do I look ill? are legitimate questions in your everyday life. I had realised that I will barely leave the house without a close friend, my mum or Nick and I don't really know why. I try my best not to let these silly anxieties overcome my will to get out into the world but it is way easier said than done. The best compliment you can give to someone on chemo is "You don't look/seem ill"... I mean wow! Either they are lying to be nice, or you are doing such an amazing job in maintaining yourself you do actually look normal. This can also serve as a hindrance on public transport, you take the train for instance, you can have a pregnant woman/mother with child or old person eyeing you up disapprovingly if you take up one of the limited precious seats, I might not look ill but I'm sure as shit more in need of this chair than you are, I am not wasting my daily energy allowance so you can be comfortable, so do us a favour and take your judging self and f*** off. |
A ' no holds' page about my life with incurable advanced Breast Cancer, in the hope it will give a realistic, detailed account to other young women going through the unfortunate illness.
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September 2023
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