A whole year.... wait what?Exactly a year ago today, at precisely 8.55am I was forced to embrace yet another upheaval as I was calmly informed, I had cancer. One whole year has passed. I really can not believe this just happened. I remember speaking to Julie (My cancer nurse) on this day, and she rightly informed me, I would have the toughest year of my life, but I would look back, this time next year (now) and just think, I've done it! Now, she wasn't wrong, it was a tough year but I feel overall, I have been able to hold my head together apart from a few little wobbles (but I am human). Depression can be a common side effect from post treatment cancer patients, having this in mind, I have thrown myself into my work as a way to distract myself from the traumatic memories of living through cancer treatment. Wig life! one of the perks... I don't really believe in secrets and this is a safe space... Cancer is hard, like... really fucking tough. But having had moments where Nick and I didn't want to pay 6 months rent upfront on our new place, because we thought there was a chance I may not even make it (being dramatic again), does not half put life into a different perspective. No doubt, living with cancer is more manageable when you know what you are fighting. The issue is, there is never any certainty with this illusive little fucker but at the very least, having an idea of where it is and how fast it is growing can actually help you deal with it better, it is the surprises which make it hard. Chemo is no walk in the park either. I lost my father when I was 17 years old. He took his own life and I had the displeasure of being the first to discover his body. Nothing can prepare you for trauma like that. I have had my own battles with myself through the years, but in all honesty, I really do think having that experience helped to prepare me for this one. They were both awful experiences, but in the short term I was a lot more distressed back then, maybe it was down to a lack of control and an inexperience in dealing with traumatic events? When someone you love and trust blind sights you, you only ever really learn to trust yourself, with cancer it helps to be head strong, and I have had the practice. The beauty of trauma and distress, is when you start to come out the other side, with rigorous self discipline and a strong belief in the bigger picture, you gain a massively privileged perspective on life which so few of us in the West will understand. It almost feels like another level of peace. Me (The ginger one) with a mouth full of braces back in 2008 waiting for my life to start. For me, this date is just one of the number of dates I await on the calendar. I remain mindful of what I am remembering, take a deep breath and wait for the significant time to pass. Distraction is a useful tool on the day to day, but only through taking the time to acknowledge and accept what you have been through (Like anniversaries), will you be able to move forward and be better prepared for what life throws at you next. You need to know your battles and you can only achieve this by knowing yourself. Know yourself and take the time to love yourself, even when the worst comes, you will then be ready. So it is with this post, that I make a mindful acknowledgement of my past. This year my body has endured: 6 biopsy needles, 2 MRI Scans 1 CT Scan 2 Mammograms 1 Metal chip implant in my left breast 18 Aprepitant Capsule 15 Ondansetron 3 cycles of FEC 3 cycles of TAX 45 Dexamethasone 3 boxes of Metoclopramide Hydrochloride 6 Pegfilgrastim 2 bottles of Benzydamine Over 20 blood tests 4 boxes of Flucloxacillin 2 tubes of Naseptin Nasal Cream 15 blasts of Radium Lost 1 breast Lost 22 lymph-nodes in my left arm Lost my hair 1 bout of aesthetic 128 Tamoxifen (so far, on these till I am 50) 2 Zoladex ovarian injections (so far, to endure about another 22+) 16 Pallas drugs (so far, on these for two years) 11 Saline drips Fuck knows how many Paracetamol And a partridge in a pear tree Happy D day Anniversary! thanks for checking in :)
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A ' no holds' page about my life with incurable advanced Breast Cancer, in the hope it will give a realistic, detailed account to other young women going through the unfortunate illness.
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September 2023
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