Chemo 1 is underway, good o’l Tax again.
It has been a hugely disappointing the last few weeks and I am feeling really distrustful of my oncologist. To break it down, he had me on a high dose of steroids (Dexamethasone) for 4 weeks when they were not required and I should have been weaning. Alarm bells started ringing when Nick and I sat down, and the oncologist took one look at my puffy frame and in an annoyed manner asked me why was I still on steroids and how many 'mg' I was taking. Now bare in mind I am still in a morphine-ultra chemical numbing haze and new at this, how the hell should I know? I just take what you told me. This car crash of a clinical visit had Nick lose his temper and walk out at the lack of organisation and had me in tears at the prospect of having to change treatment lines already! It turned out my oncologist's confident gamble in declaring there is only a 5% chance my cancer will be a different sub type (He thought I would still be HER2- despite not even having a biopsy) and proceeding with ‘Ribblo’ was the wrong choice. It transpired I was in fact borderline (HER2+). Now this is relevant because your care provider should absolutely be 100% sure of your cancer subtypes (ER, PR, HER2) before moving forward, as this will determine what treatment you can have, and ultimately affect your life span. Amazingly, he could not understand why I was upset. You know, after being told off for essentially taking what he told me (and it harming me), and finding out I was put through a full cycle of oral chemo before realising it was not suitable for the cancer... On top of this, I asked him to point to where my tumours are and he didn’t know exactly. This led to the secondary breast nurse searching on the computer for the latest scans. There were contradictions around Zoladex and he tried to explain how to ween off my dosage of steroids by ignoring me and explaining it to Nick. Not to mention I was terrified of going on Tax again, it absolutely battered me last time. Wait... Am I supposed to trust this guy with my life? Ha, yeah fuck that. Escaping reality with mindfulnessWhen being repeatedly jabbed by an apologetic nurse trying to find a vein to leak vital poison into your blood.
Or when you're lying flat on your back, tightly strapped in by your head by your silicon mask for another radium blast. Or... How about when your just on you own, and those demons make an appearance. Playing with your heart rate, tightening your throat and sticking pins in your gut? Regardless of what challenges you face, they are significant due to subjectivity and personal perspective. The problem with us, is that we compare and measure our situations and selves, rather than just being appreciative with what we have, and what we can control. Whatever your coping techniques, I think it's fair to say the more you indulge in external opinions from the mainstream or social media, your overall mental wellbeing will inevitably start to decline. Usually manifesting in differing levels of anxiety. Lock down in itself is already sending people ‘over the edge’. In these crazy times, it is vital to ground yourself. |
A ' no holds' page about my life with incurable advanced Breast Cancer, in the hope it will give a realistic, detailed account to other young women going through the unfortunate illness.
Archives
September 2023
|