This is another rant post...Sorry for leaving it two months! If I am being completely honest the last few rounds of Tax have had me feeling more crumpled and worthless than the discarded first wig, during a wig reveal of a desperate drag queen lip syncing for her life. It has been tough and I am sure my sanity has slipped somewhat. As lockdown eases, I watch eagerly on the side-lines still within my shielding bubble, absolutely chomping at the bit to get on with life. Chemo has finished and I am slowly recovering from the horrific side-effects... As I write this, I am fighting to keep 6 fingernails on – the joys! I had a chat with my oncologist this morning – he just about had more enthusiasm in his voice than a Brummy Tax advisor, “Great, here we go” I thought to myself, not like I’ve been waiting 14 days for my CT results or anything. So, a few developments since I was last here... The good news is my Tumour score had reduced 400% around the time of my 5th chemo.
The bad news being a tumour growing on my left hip has weakened my bones considerably, so much so, I was instructed to “avoid putting any pressure on it until we can investigate it further”. After chasing for scan results for nothing shy of about 7-9 weeks, we were eventually told surgery is not necessary but still avoid putting pressure on it... Now I don’t know about you, but I have yet to meet someone who can carry on with their life and walk around without putting any weight on their hips... sure. So... I'm going to risk it and crack on, because the result of doing absolutely f**k all through all my chemo has left me breathless to even walk to my kitchen (If you have followed this blog, you’ll remember how much a daily walk got me through my last chemo). There is a lot to say about my oncologist... but that needs to wait for another day, as I am sure there are only so many f**k ups you can acknowledge from the ‘care givers’ at the moment. Anyway, I digress. The oncologist started the phone call with his usual way of telling me there is nothing in my organs at the minute (always love it when he invertedly reminds me it’s only a matter of time), before progressing to tell me that it’s still in my bones and tissue, which apparently we already know... fantastic way to tell me the numbness in my belly and pain in my rib is actually cancer in the tissue... cracking. I really wouldn’t expect it any other way from him. I Ieft the phone call deflated, not bad news but not exactly good either, I just don’t trust the bugger. I am working on, and hope I get better enough to carry out life in some sort of reasonable quality. Lockdown has been tough, as I have shut myself away to a point, as you are too aware the loss of confidence that comes with chemo territory regardless of covid, can be crippling to its own merit. I have started to leave the house for drives, and even had a little walk yesterday, so I am getting there slowly. It can be hard when you have to acknowledge the pains you feel can be put off with powerful drugs but you will never be pain and drug free again. It is hella upsetting to think it will only get worse. Am I frightened? Of death no... I’ll be glad of the peace. Of increasing pain, harder drugs and deteriorating? Yes, completely bloody terrified. But there is not a damn thing I can do to stop it. And so we must carry on. We must dust ourselves off and begin to string back some sort of a life in the time we have left. It’s a rollercoaster and its difficult... But the one thing I will never forgive cancer for, is the pain I see in the eyes of loved ones when they look at me. I am still me, I am still the same person as I always was... But this B***ard of an illness has taken that away from me and there is nothing that a transparent smile can do to fix it. Nick is sick of seeing me ill, we are still doing fine but it has just got to that point. I am fed up... no energy and just done And at the same time I have all the fight to get up and get on with it. Life is hard but for now we are still here. Get on with it. |
A ' no holds' page about my life with incurable advanced Breast Cancer, in the hope it will give a realistic, detailed account to other young women going through the unfortunate illness.
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September 2023
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